Captain's Log - #66 - "Pack Like a Man"

I have a new job at a national grocery chain in Sonoma because I need the money, I like people, they are the largest firm in Sonoma Valley and they seem to be forward thinking with shop-on-line, pick up at your convenience and free delivery (with a fee, I’m not sure who pays the Instacart and Door Dash drivers. There are a couple of East Indian drivers with the most charming accents, I am so new, they are experienced and it’s fun listening to them tell me how to do my job; they are very kind).

I had no idea how complex the job would be! How to deal with the wide variety of coupons, how do you give money to someone who has run their change through a change-to-cash machine, the seemingly hundreds of visual menus on the checkout system. And the produce menus, there must be 50 kinds of melon in their system! Who knew?! And tomatoes? Don’t get me started! Pro tip: Buy items with bar codes, it makes the process quicker and more accurate.

Most of the customers are regulars and have been very friendly. I had a woman hail me in the parking lot as I was heading to my car after two weeks, “How’s it going?” And one customer in the next line over asked me how I was doing on my third day, he remembered me from my first day. The customers and employees have been very friendly and accommodating, although it was alarming when, during a slow time, two managers were hovering around my station like wasps at a picnic. They are looking out for me.

Pack Like a Man

We are informed to keep non-food items away from food, things like cleaning supplies, laundry soap, etc. So, I was checking for a man in his 30s, most stuff fit into one plastic bag. I told him about our policy about separating things. He said, “It doesn’t matter,” he tossed his cleaning supplies in the bag and said, “pack like a man.”

You’re not from around here, are you?

This job is people watching at its best. Sonoma Valley is a retirement community, most of us are white, retired and ugly. The other day a tall, gracile, Afro-American woman came in with long, impeccable lavender nails, the sweetest face, probably in her 20s. She was wearing a skin-tight black body suit (I'm trying to imagine what she went through to put it on). She was stunning! She left her water on the counter, I went after to return it, you could clearly see the outline of her thong. She must be a model. I could have said "You're not from around here, are you?" (we don't look half as elegant). 

Why do you need my birthday?!

If you buy alcohol (or cough medicine) at this store you will be asked for your birthday. One older woman smiled and acted coquettish, “Thank you! I haven’t been carded in years.” Person after person, “Birthday?” I love it when people just give me numbers “4, 10, 64” I can use that. Other people tell me the month, and I have to count it out on my fingers, “January, February, March, April.” An older man came in the last week and proceeded to chew me out over the imposition of having to provide his birthday. I don’t think I was very empathetic, “The fact is, sir, if you want to get out of the store with that bottle you’ll have to give me a birthday.” Another man earlier said, “I look pretty good for 100 years old,” he wasn’t. I don’t care. The young people just hand me their driver’s licenses, and I can run it through the machine. But it brought home that you can choose to be pissed, or you can choose to make it a complement. He said he chose to be pissed.

My mother didn’t teach me to eat like this.

Occasionally we get groups of young women in Sonoma for a bridal party, they rent a house and party on. There was one group of young women, they all looked alike: tall, slender, long blonde hair, they bought $659 of groceries. That’s a lot of groceries! They bought all the gooey, imported cheeses, every kind of crunchy, salty, party snack, a wide variety of little cracker-like things, less than a case of wine, but calorie after calorie, I have never seen these things. Then it occurred to me that my mother never wasted good money on that kind of stuff. I wouldn’t have the first clue how to shop for that party. It’s a good thing my thought bubbles are invisible, “You girls aren’t going to keep your slim figures after eating this.”

Good job, daddy!

Mostly we get old, single people, occasionally someone with a kid or two, mostly women. There was (a very attractive) man in his 30s with two children in tow, an older daughter, about 12 and a son about 10. The son was being a royal pain; he begged and whined and was really obnoxious for 2 quarters. He needed a backhand (IMO), but the father was resolute, not entertaining any of the shenanigans. Calm, cool, serious, didn’t engage, didn’t lose his temper – Good job, daddy!

Bargain shoppers, “Did I get my 2-for-1?”

I had no idea buying things on sale was such big business. 99.9% of the shoppers have a membership number, their phone number. I used to be dead set against this, an invasion of privacy, what do they do with the information? (I may find out, eventually.) There are some world-class bargain hunters, they watch the screen as I ring them up, “That was two for one, did it get the discount?” These people are a nightmare; there are so many of them! The only way to tell is for me to run a total, charge them $0 for a bag and see if it the discount shows up at the end of the receipt, if it does I continue with their items, if not, I hail one of my friendly managers who dukes it out with them “That is buy two, get one free, you’ve only bought two” or they do some fancy thing with my screen and take off the savings. I have yet to watch a manager move slowly enough so I can see what they’re doing. They’re so fast, which reminds me, obviously I am the slowest checker in the store, I like to reward people who have been lingering in line with a “You saved $XX dollars." I’m the only checker that does that, no one has complained. The savings is also given as a percentage. Most people save maybe 12%, one older lady saved 80% off the pre-sale prices! I joked with her that she was scamming the system (probably not the best customer service strategy) and announce to the people behind her that “She could teach us a thing or two!” She, and the others, agreed.

Lastly, if you are physically able to bag your groceries – Do it. And bring your own bags. It bugs me that perfectly capable men stand there and watch me bag, they are holding up the line. Although maybe I should take it as a complement that they want to hang around with me. I get paid one way or the other, but it is a courtesy to the other people in line. I hope I can control my Tourette syndrome and not blurt out something offensive. Wish me luck!