Captain's Log #16 - “get what you got.”

8/6/17

Work is going smoothly ever since I ‘got with the program’ about asking permission before doing ‘my own thing.’ My supervisor is quite pleased, actually. There’s plenty to do organizing and scanning the records of clients who’ve been placed in the community. My personal relationship partner, Kevin, who works at the SDC repositioning severely deformed people, says he heard that 30 psych-techs, the people who do the hands-on care, left last month and 30 more are scheduled to leave this month. That means there’s going to be an intense effort to get clients placed in the community asap because there’s not going to be anyone left here to take care of them. This part of the change is saddening, their world is in upheaval, being moved to different units in order to consolidate clients and staff, new people taking care of them, new and different surroundings. In the long run most of them will be better off, some will surely die, or end up in jail, or be subjected to abuse, or be transferred hither & yon because they are absolutely unmanageable, some will be confused and hopelessly lost. Sad. Say what you will, for many years this place provided stability.

By the way, the extremely large, and nearly round, young woman in our office is on a diet through Kaiser. For some reason they have her eating only special food bars and nutritional shakes - for months! She’s working it. Good for her! I’m entirely supportive and am piggy-backing on her momentum by eating better myself, more fruits and vegetables (what a concept.)

I’m going to try a little experimental thing here. Let me say at the beginning that anything I write is strictly confidential and only meant to provide an opportunity for you to see if you’ve had similar thoughts or experiences. If not, please disregard. (I’m not looking for sympathy, advice or helpful suggestions, none of that.)

Years ago I attend Michael and Christina Naumer’s Relationship Research Institute (RRI), which is a big-sounding name for what was a couple sharing their well-informed musings about relationships. Here’s one idea: you can’t require monogamy in your relationship. “What?! The hell you can!” you say. (That was the hook that got me.) With this the Naumers lead a discussion about the difference between “debt” and “gift.” If you require monogamy, your partner OWES it to you, like a debt. How does debt feel? Ucky, huh? But if monogamy is a gift, well then, it’s something special, something to celebrate. Let’s celebrate monogamy! Where’s the massage oil?! (In the back of a deep, dark cupboard? Yeah, me too.)

Another idea was: get what you got. This is revealed for most people in their self-talk about their parents and how “if only they had ___(fill in the blank)___ I would have been more ___(fill in the blank)___.” The Naumer’s point was to “get” the family, and experience, that you “got” and move on. This idea works in many areas of our lives: our bosses, our jobs, our spouses. If your boss is a jerk, find a new job. If your spouse… And then there was the lesson: what is the common denominator between me and all my failed relationships? What is it about me that is causing all these problems? That’s a good one.

On a bit of another tack, I only recently discovered Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. Why didn’t someone tell me about it 13 years ago?! What am I missing now that I should be watching? Please tell me. Thirteen years, almost 300 episodes! I’m only on season 3 and season 14 is coming out this September. If I watched 3 hours every day it would take me more than 3 months to catch up. Binge watching is… a way to pass the evenings but I am getting a more than a little anxious about hospitals and gruesome accidents.

I like that each episode is built around some kernel of the Human Experience. It makes me want to quit writing this Captain’s Log and just take notes, maybe plagiarize their topics. So, deep into season two I was thinking: where do Kevin and I show up? How would I, or the writers, characterize our relationship? And, sure enough, the next episode nailed it. It was about the head of the hospital who loves his job, never comes home, his wife has to make an appointment to see him, even then he blows her off and runs out to some emergency. She keeps asking, when are you coming home? As you might imagine in another episode, after much soul searching, he finally comes home with flowers and she’s got another man. It’s not only men that do this to women, women do it, too. They get busy with the kids and their schedules, their jobs or school, and forget, or can’t be bothered, to include the other person in their lives who they perceive as demanding: My having to be with you is an obligation, like that debt conversation.

Kevin’s mother died two Sundays ago. At 102 it was not unexpected, it’s been expected for 20 years!  She was a really nice person, in fact, she had, and passed on, the Nice Person gene. (I didn’t get that one.) Her husband was the president of a local bank, she was an artist and the 5 kids are CPAs or artists, Kevin’s the only musician, which I think is a creative numbers thing, a drummer. She was Catholic and had the viewing, the funeral and internment. I attended the funeral. It was eerie when the casket was carried in, it was closed but there was no doubt she was in the room. In my mind I could see her smiling face and twinkling eyes.

At the reception was a display of her photo albums: sepia-toned pictures of her as a beautiful child with her family; as a bride; later a mother of small children; then with 5 teenagers. Those children grew up, married and had children of their own. She always had the clan gatherings at least 5 times a year. It was a challenge to think of new things to talk about. In one of the albums were some photos of Kevin and me. Kevin, standing at the table looking at them, called out, “Sweetie, come here! You’ve got to see this! This was when we still liked each other!” Uh huh, and now? “When we still liked each other.…”

Nineteen years ago Kevin and I had a very long “goo-goo ga-ga” stage of romance. It was probably pretty obnoxious to witness. I was attending the Relationship Research Institute (RRI) at the time, Michael Naumer told me “ride that wave as long as you can,” the implication being the relationship would end up beached: hot, dry, no shade or fresh water in sight; that’s what it feels like. He was right. And then what do you do? I don’t know, non-monogamy is one option, divorce another, drugs, hobbies, counseling, I suppose. I’m hoping to find out on upcoming episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I should go back and review my RRI notes. At the moment, and for many years, I’ve been working on “get what you got.”

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Many blessings,

Karla, mom & k.j.